Confusion

It is a rare occurrence; me, being confused, that is. Sadly, that is exactly how I am feeling at the moment. I can't remember the last time I was actually confused about something that I couldn't figure out. Generally, I suffer from confusion for an hour or two and then make up my mind firmly for the rest of my life. That is how I work with politics, and many other aspects of life. After my half hour of deliberation, I come to a conclusion and, because I am very stubborn, it is impossible to change my mind.

I have been thinking about this issue for a while now, and cannot seem to reach a final reason or verdict. Generally, I try not to concern myself with banale high school gossip bad drama, but I have been sucked in by this story at school, so much so that it has inclined me to write about it.

So what's the story? I have this friend, she's a nice girl - very proper and decent. She looks as if she has been raised on a diet consisting of caviar and fine brie, and brought up on a lifestyle of equestrian and country clubs. Yes, she seems regal, very modestly graceful. Even her walk is queenly. The way she carries herself, her entire manner of being - it all screams elagence and superiority. Most of the time, these people repel me. I never want to associate myself with them. They are prim and proper, never raise their voice and never put the wrong foot forward - something about that annoys me too much, it inspires an urge in me - the urge to punch them in the face. Perhaps what annoys me is the fact that I could never be like that, but that's beside the point.

Anyways, this girl and I have grown to be good friends over the course of this school year. I guess that I managed to push past the veil of perfection to see the kind of person she is, and her personality really appealed to me. She's a genuinely good person. She's kind, caring, supportive and quiet. I guess the quietness helps because I have a lot to rant and having someone to vent to is important. She's a great friend, she's very loyal. Surprisingly, she understands and puts up with my consistently insulting, unwarranted and bad humor. And most importantly, she is honest (even when it hurts) for the most part.

Recently, the issue which has arisen has me questioning her honesty towards me. Once again, I've over dramatized:

She has never lied to me about  anything serious, nor do I think that she's starting to. The thing that I think that she's lying to me about it purely trivial and honestly shouldn't phase me much. In fact, I'm disappointed that the matter at all crosses my mind.

In our school there is another boy. He isn't like the rest, no, he is very, very special, in every way. He is Caucasian - a rarity at our mainly Asian populated school. As far as schoolwork goes, he is a failure, a very lazy child. He rarely submits assignments ever (not to mention handing in an assignment on time), he spends the few classes which he doesn't skip sleeping or making paper airplanes and the teachers don't like him. (Flash forward to right now, his grades are up, he is studying more, attending class and actually even occasionally listening.)

Regardless of all this, the boy is wonderful. He himself is kind (in a distorted way), he is hilarious (occasionally overboard), he is genuinely nice and actually caring, despite his best efforts to come across as if he doesn't give a [insert swear word here]. Speaking of not giving a [insert swear word here], that is the image he projects to the outside. Don't get me wrong, when it comes to certain things that's exactly how he behaves, but when it comes to others, he is far from not worrying. I guess he just has a different priority ranking system. For example, one time, something happened to me which made me start crying. I didn't know the boy, I mean, I knew he existed but I didn't think that he knew I did. He seemed to be in his own world, and I thought that seeing me crying wouldn't receive any response from him, and for the morning, I was right. But that lunch, something miraculous happened. No one, not even my "friends" had remembered to ask me how I was feeling after spending the morning crying. No one cared, except him. Out of nowhere, he showed up and asked me if I was okay. Honestly, I wasn't okay, until he asked me that, and he made me so happy that day. I realized that he was worth something. So now I've needlessly proved that he is nice.

He is smart, but he doesn't choose to use his smarts in school. He goes home and almost always comes back with some cool thing he thought himself the night prior. Whether it's setting chairs to stand on one leg, or balancing an umbrella on his nose, there is never a dull moment being around him. Like all smart people though he has a little psychotic glitch. He is relatively bipolar.

Physically, my girlfriend and guyfriend couldn't be more different. His appearance is tattered, boyish and I've even heard it be compared to a hobo. He doesn't care about his looks, which is really quite admirable, especially on a boy. (Side note: He is a little bit of a pervert. He is very stubborn about his theories on female morality and sexuality.)

So to finally get to the important issue of this post: my girlfriend's dishonesty.

I think that she likes him, no, I know that she likes him. Everything about her screams adoration towards him, and I'm not the only one who can tell.

Being her friend, I get asked multiple times throughout the day about whether or not they are dating. Each time I say no.

I noticed this a while ago. Some tell tell signs were the changes in her behaviour. Her normally punctaul self is no more. Now, instead of attending class at the bell, she stays behind and arrives to class half and hour late because she was talking to him. It's not like she was talking to him about riveting subjects either, she'll literally talk to him about anything. As long as she hears his voice, and he hears hers, it's all good. 

This is where it gets interesting; I just said "he hears hers". Yes, I mean he likes her, too. Being the strange individual that he is, he has a different way of showing it. You can just tell. I see the way that his face lights up with joy when talking to her. He talks to her, though he never starts the conversation. That's very much her role. He pretends that she doesn't exist - in fact, he pretends a lot of girls don't exist. This year, it's a little better. He acknowledges a girl he knows relatively well when she walks down the hallway. He tilts his head at her to say "hi" - okay, it's not much, but it's a start. 

My locker is next to his. I don't know how it ended up that way, it just did. Her locker, on the other hand, is on the other side of the school. Everyday, between classes and during breaks, she comes up to my locker. It used to be for me, but now, it's for someone else. She comes up to him, and -in their native language- they commence their conversation. When I am there, he notices the rudeness of speaking in front of me in a foreign language, and encourages English by leading by example. She, on the other hand, doesn't notice I exist. (If she does, she chooses not to include me in the conversation by speaking dramatically in her language. Yeah, I do feel bad.) Then as time keeps moving on, all the children go to class, my friends go to class and all the people with lockers close by go to their classes, so who is left? The two of them. He doesn't have a class to get to, but she does. He has all the time in the world to chit chat, but she doesn't. Of course, she pretends that she does. It's too bad, but then she comes up to me and questions why her teacher isn't giving her a higher mark. Oh I don't know, could it be because she barely shows up?
So, being the good friend that I am, I came up to my girlfriend and told her about what all the kids were asking me. I told her that their thoughts weren't unwarranted and that I thought that they could possibly have some merit to them. She quickly denied it all, but it was rather apparent to me that she was lying. As I would later learn, she wasn't lying, she herself just wasn't sure about her feelings.
She had confided to me before that she would agree to go out with the boy if he asked, but the chances of this boy asking her out, or any girl for that matter, were slim to none. I haven't discussed the matter with the boy, simply because he's not close enough with me and because he's so hot and cold. That boy really keeps a person on their toes. You have to be very careful in discussing anything with him, because his reaction could change at any moment. He may be smiley and excited to talk one minute, and give you death stares the next. This actually leads me to my final point very well. What would happen if they did miraculously come together.
Let's assume, for arguments sake, that the boy decided to ask my friend out. She would say yes in a heartbeat, and spend the next month dabbling words of joy and skipping through lollipop and rainbow fields. Now let's assume the relationship begins. The going out would be complicated, because I honestly think that he'd have a problem with a lot of the things she does. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he was embarrassed by something that she did. Okay, that's going out, but what about at school. Not only would thw relationship further the academic detriment to my friend, it would also pose her great heartache.
My friend is loving, and I'd imagine that she'd forgive him for just about anything, but that doesn't mean that she wouldn't be hurt. On some of his "off days" she'd come up to him all bubbly and try to talk to him about something. He would ignore her and try and blame it on his bad mood. The trouble is that this "bad mood" would be rather chronic and I don't think that she'd fare well.
The differences in personality would prove to be too much, if the relationship were to ever begin. His trying to play cool would get in the way of her honest demonstration of joy and that would be the end of that. Despite the fact that I think their relationship would destined for doom, I still support any advances in it. Honestly, I think that any relationship with that boy is destined for doom. I think that his image will always get in the way, despite that he is a good kid overall. I'm sure his personality is compatible with some girls; I just don't think that my girlfriend is one of those. She is simply too open to be with someone so sheltered.

Fear

An acquaintance of mine once asked me if there was anything on this Earth that scared me. It was not the first time I had been asked the question. I am rather fearless when it comes to things like talking to my teachers, telling people what I think etc.. I have been blessed (to a certain extent) with the sheer grace, beauty and joy of not caring - mainly, about what my peers come to think of me. I don't wear make up because it's tedious, a reflection of low self esteem and ugly. I also don't dress up for anyone, and the days when I do dress up, it's for me.

I despise talking behind a person's back. I think it's the most cowardly and pathetic thing a person could do. Personally, if I have something which I must so desperately get off my chest about a peer (which I rarely do), I tell them to their face. When the hobo-esque girls from my school come to me and request my lunch, I politely (which makes me look partially psychotic) tell them that they are stooping down to the level of hobos and that they shouldn't do that.

So what comes of my brutal honesty? For one, true friends. I know that the people I am really friends with like me for the person I am in my soul, instead of for the person I pretend to be. For another, confused, and partly dirty  looks. People question why I just did something or said something. In some cases, they tell me that they wish they had enough guts to do what I did. In others, they look at me in shock and ask my why I would ever do such a thing, and then confide in me that they think the same. Then of course, there are the ones who flat out disagree.

These sorts of confrontations, and this confidence I portray (which may seem cocky at points) has helped me make a name for myself. I am known as the girl with no filter. No filter to think about whether what I say will have any negative repercussions. It's not that I'm stupid, illogical and uncalculated; I just choose not to be in some situations.

But everyone has some fear(s), and through the courses of life, you learn what they are.

You notice that you cannot stand on top of the Burj Khalifa and look down without sending shivers down your spine etc..

So what's my fear? As I said, I get asked it commonly enough, but have never really spent the day thinking about it.

That day, I took the bus and stared out the window thinking all about what I was scared of, I left out the trivial things, and then it came to me. My greatest and most terrifying fear was the daunting notion of growing up. I cannot even begin to explain how terrified I am of getting older. I am only 16 years old, true, but that is exactly what makes it even more scary. Every day that passes by scares me, every morning that I wake up insinuates fear in my soul. I cannot cope with getting older.

I am only 16 years old, yet I already feel depressed that I am not younger. I am only 16 years old, but I wish that I was still 6 years old, or better yet, a baby.  

I wish that life didn't seem so complicated. I eish that I didn't have to commit to anything; that I didn't have any responsibilities. I wish that no one depended on me. I wish that I was free, free from worrying about making a mistake, a mistake which could affect my future. Ah, future, how saddening you've become.

I was raised with this notion that when I grow up I could be whatever I wanted to be. In my mind I painted this picture of growing up and being free. Travelling and doing whatever my heart desires on a whim. Now, don't get me wrong, it is possible if your parents are stacked and let you do so, but if not, then it's another thing. The notion of freedom was wrong, too. The older you get, the more formalities become expected of you. It's so sad. Old people don't think of children as bad, if they don't want to do something

Each day, my parents ask me what I did in school. I tell them, partially. And I am slowly coming to the realization that the grades you get, though not defining of you as a person or soul, pave the way to existence. So much emphasis is put on grades in high schools, and unless those grades are sublime, you may as well forget about university. 

I'm starting to see that good people, smart people, who simply find better things to do with their youth than spend it slaving over meaningless homework, can't become people. They become poor, uneducated creatures. That is what I am on the path to becoming and it saddens me, and it scares me of growing up. At the same time, I can't bring myself to actually working for my grades because they aren't what make you smart. But, I can't do anything.

I don't want to be one of those people, who wakes up one morning and looks back in tears at her life. I don't want to regret my life, but I know that it is bound to happen. I'll look back with rue either because I didn't have a satisfying childhood or because I have a terrible adult life working as a janitor, picking up womens' used menstrual pads. At the moment, I'm picking my childhood, but when I am an adult, I'll probably be wishing that I had given up a childhood for a better future.
I feel like there are so many children, who have missed out on the beauty of being young, are lost. They submitted to the cage which is otherwise known as school. It doesn't let you out, and it is methodical, pointless and dull. Those kids, the ones that could never see beyond the cage weren't unable to do so because they were blind, but because they were unable to provide the time from their routine to think. To think of exiting the steel bars, to think of there being a whole world beyond the cage, and even if they did, they were too scared to ask for removal from the cage, and to scared to rebel and exit the cage themselves.

I heard in a song once "I got time, while she got freedom". The line stuck with me, because that made me realize that having one without the other is pointless. Having good grades, but wasting your life working for them, wasting your youth like that is pointless (not totally). But having those grades is necessary to continue onto the future. Education is more important that schooling. They go hand-in-hand. Recently, I have come to the realization that it might be better for me to start believing that schooling is more important than education, at least for the time being.
So, would I go back to my infancy again tomorrow if I had the chance? Yes, I most definitely would. I would go back in a heartbeat. Not just for those simpler, less stressful, more forgiving and easier times, but for the chance to redo things, to tell my parents where they went wrong, to keep the traits my parents molded that were good, and to tell them to avoid planting the seed for the bad ones. I'd make myself a better child, in a lot of ways. But I can't go back, can I? And I'm too lazy to change, aren't I?

Don't Kill the Messenger

Vancouver Taddler (an uneducated way of spelling "Tattler") is a blog which was recently taken down from the internet. Despite the fact it no longer exists on Tumblr, there are still many screenshots of it up on Google. This was a blog which was anonymously opened with the intent of doing just what the name implies - tattling. The blog would critique people -particularly teens- from a certain part of town and of a certain social stature (namely rich people from the West Side/Point Grey area). Vancouver Taddler made it's intentions clear from the start, asking readers to email the owner of the blog with information and pictures about anyone they felt should be humiliated. Basically, the site acted as a middle man: if you hated someone and wanted to get them/get them back, but were too much of a coward to do so yourself, you'd send your "dirt" to Taddler and the owner would do the rest. 

Eventually, after pictures of people got bad, namely one girl who was looking at her thong-wearing butt in the mirror, somebody called the cops. Some UBC student, who saw her "friend" on the blog contacted authorities. They started looking into the matter. Stupidly enough, the owner of Taddler chose this as the perfect time to put a face to the blog. She came out. 

What she had done, had become so sensational that it was on the local news 3 nights in a row. The police were speaking with her, and she had even become suspended from her preppy, rich, all girls school on the West Side - Crofton House. Really, a very sad thing to happen to an eighth grader, in their first year of Senior School. (I have reliable sources on the matter, and realized that no other news outlets have successfully leaked the information). 

Now, what's my take on all this? What do I think of the fact that some are calling for the arrest of this girl? What do I think of the fact that authorities are considering charing her with child pornography and cyber-bullying? Terrible, simply terrible. It's very simple, a person shouldn't be arrested for simply facilitating something.

The girl didn't force the people featured in her blog to take pictures of themselves in thongs, or ask each other for sex blatantly over text message, nor did she force any of the actions taken by the people on her blog - she simply hit post. Yes, that's all she did! She didn't even take the time (like I am now taking) to type up the post. She took the already screenshotted, already sent, already ready material and hit the "publish" icon. Who sent this material? Obviously, kids that were interested in revenge themselves, but didn't have enough dexterity or audacity to publish the post in their name. Instead, from the comfort of their home, they opened up their little black books and spilled the beans! They had their wrath felt! 

Okay, but who could really blame them? Ask yourself, if you would do the same? Would you actually send the scandalous picture of your "fr-enemy" to a girl who claims that she will publish it, with no mention of your name? Maybe you would. So who can you blame, really? Probably only your friend, who was willing to take their shirt off, take a picture of their private area and then send it to you. Was their really any need for them to do that? I don't think so, and I don't sympathize with them. 

I understand the argument about mounting peer pressure, but can tell you from first hand experience (I am a teenager) that a little self control and parental guidance is all you need to not have to take your shirt off. (Some kids don't have caring parents, in that case, blame it on the parents crappy parenting skills.) If an adolescent guy asked me to take my shirt off and send him a picture of my breasts, I'd decline - not just politely, but quite violently, for the sheer fact that the boy saw me as someone who would do such a thing, is angering. You have to be stupid to agree to such a thing.

Next, if you come to the point where you are oh so desperate to mate with a peer, try and hold back the urge - it is possible! At least, don't ask for sex over SMS. 

So to conclude: who is responsible is the person who was taking photos of themselves, (or their crappy parents, who were terrible at raising their child properly) and if one person must have the blame thrust upon their shoulders, it should be the people who emailed in the photos, not the girl herself! Really, no one ever wants to kill the messenger, yet that is exactly what is being done to this girl. She was brave enough to facilitate a device for off-loading hateful burdens, but people are criticizing her. Would it have been different if she facilitated a blog where people were asked to send in lovely pictures of their friends to show what nice people they were. 

Society doesn't like the dark side of people, girls don't like it when their breasts become everyone's screensaver, and decide to sue anyone that puts their breasts out there. That's a joke! Take a moment to think about what needs to exist for these people to stop asking for sex so explicitly, and for people to stop flashing. Stop trying to defend them with things like peer pressure! Don't kill the messenger, kill the perpetrator. (Figuratively, of course.)

Selectivity

As I watch the news today, I see something appalling. It is painful, it is wretched and it has an odor - it is the odor of injustice. I am watching a prime example of political selectivity. I am watching a bully set a double standard for the nerdy kid in the corner, whose only wrongdoing was his unwillingness to give up his lunch money. The saddest part is that this is no playground, this is the world.

As I discussed in my previous post Crimea and the Referendum, there are currently big troubles between Russia and the USA.

After Crimea had the opportunity to join Russia in their referendum, other mainly Russian speaking parts of the Ukraine (namely the Eastern parts) have been demanding to have the right to hold a referendum to join Russia, too. All over Donetsk, and other major cities with ethnic Russian citizens, the people have been protesting. They have seized government buildings after attempts at peaceful protest came to no avail. These people have begun their fight to become free from the currently fascist, corrupted, illegitimate and oppressive government. 

There is only one problem with this. These people aren't being allowed to fight. They are being silenced. Contrary to the Anti-Putin/Anti-Russia/Anti-Yanukovich protesters, who were being applauded for their bravery and their rebellion, these Anti-West protesters are being threatened. I might add that the government which is threatening them is illegitimate. It's not like these people elected the government, it's more like it imposed itself on the people and has now started spewing unjustified orders to the citizens.
Why in the world are other countries not getting involved, countries like, say, the US, which is notorious (or famous) for it's chronic involvement on things that do not concern them? Western countries couldn't tolerate even the slightest attempt of the Yanukovich Regime to calm protesters, but they can tolerate these obvious human rights abuses by the self-appointed government? Sounds fishy… Why would a country do that? I'll leave that up to you.
As to what happened exactly, the protesters in Donetsk seized a government building and proclaimed it the People's Republic of Donetsk. Yes, it is a self-proclaimed autonomous region. It's territory? An 11 story building and it's surroundings. It's government? A handful of pro-Russians. So can this 11 story building really threaten the country in such a way that threats to protesters would be justified? Probably not. (Not even Russia recognizes this building as an independent entity) Needless to say, within a little of the building actually declaring itself independent, the central government cut off the building electricity and started dishing out the ultimatums. Really, quite appalling events especially since the Western governments did nothing to try and stop these atrocities from happening to the citizens, who are lawfully allowed to protest. Tsk tsk.
Now as we wait to see what happens next in this region and as we watch the madness unfold, all we are left with is the daunting reality of how unfair, unjust and selective our own government truly is.