The reason that I haven't posted in so long had puzzled me up until today. I knew that I was uninspired and I knew that I was depressed, but I wasn't quite sure as to why. I supposed that it was because of the looming, dreadful exams in school. Math was the first exam and, considering the fact that math is my worst subject, I assumed that I was "screwed". Luckily, after much studying and a heightened level of understanding due to a divine intervention, I took the exam and felt good. I walked out of the dimly lit school gymnasium, which had shed the coloured lines from it's dingy wooden floor in favour of blue tarp, with a confident air. I took some extra time to finish, but between the multiple choice and my calculator, I think that I did well. Sure, some questions stumped me, but overall it was much better than could be expected of a dud. However, I am not writing my first post in a while to brag and flaunt my new-found capability of math.
Why was I depressed? I would be lying if I said that it was solely because of the exams. No, my depression had started much before exams and it stemmed from something a lot more personal. The cause of my depression was actually -as cliché as it sounds- hidden in plain sight. That is why it took me weeks to actually put my finger on the root of my emotions.
The problem with having a problem right in front of you is that it is never the first place you look. It's like your car keys: You can never find them, and you literally flip the couch cushions over in search of them, all to realize that they are on the kitchen counter - the place you had walked by hundreds of times while searching for your keys.
My problem was a person. Not just someone, someone dear. A relationship was stressing me so tremendously that I was losing interest in everything, even the things I generally love doing. In a way, the depression was like a blessing in disguise. Hear me out:
Since I didn't feel like doing anything, I had a lot of time to study for my exams, but still, everything had become meaningless. I was studying for the sake of filling my time, yet still my days seemed long and anguished and I was withdrawn.
Since I didn't feel like doing anything, I had a lot of time to study for my exams, but still, everything had become meaningless. I was studying for the sake of filling my time, yet still my days seemed long and anguished and I was withdrawn.
I don't think that it's fair to the people around me for me to be radiating sadness, so I usually try and eliminate the cause of my sadness so that I can get back to normal and not concern those around me.
After much pondering, I couldn't come to an answer and I was becoming ireful. (Terrible combination, eh? Angry and depressed.)
I went to sleep last night with a little bit of anxiety because of my exam. (No matter how much I know, I am never confident enough.) I groggily woke up in the morning, brushed my teeth, scrambled to find a clean pair of socks and ate two slices of bread with Nutella that my mom had prepared. I started to dress myself, considering I would want to be comfortable for my exam. Three hours of sitting is no easy task, after all. I put on my skinny jeans, which my body had become so accustomed to that they felt like pyjamas. A white long sleeve shirt, advertising some abstract graphic in the front followed. (The shirt was so light, and the cotton so soft that it was heavenly.) Over that, I put on my favourite and most versatile article of clothing - an Adidas track jacket. And for footwear I did some platform Dr. Martens, just to make myself extra tall. (You know, because 178cm is not nearly enough). Little did I know while I was doing this that my persistent depression would be resolved today.
I took my protractor, ruler, pencil, eraser and calculator and sighed. If anything, I expected my day to get worse after the exam.
When I got to the exam, I was scared. Despite not being very religious, I was inclined to say a prayer. I answered the questions and when I was finished, handed in the exam and left that dreaded gym as quickly as I could. My friend was right in front of me, but she didn't notice me. She was talking to a new crowd and was quite entranced by them. Anyways, she eventually noticed me and came to give me a hug. I supposed that it was because she thought she had done quite well. Being the strange person I am, I tend to become the most anxious after exams, and I was at a level where I couldn't physically hug her back because I was trembling. Literally, I was shaking and such a chill had come over me that my teeth were clattering at what seemed to be a rate of 332049 taps/minute. Perhaps I had entered a state of shock or had a panic attack; I don't know.
Regardless, I started to walk towards where my locker was, and naturally expected her to be behind me. I thought that we would sit down, I would calm down and that we would possibly ask each other how we did etc.. I was wrong.
My friend didn't walk with me, instead she stayed with her crowd and continued talking. I was hung to dry. I felt betrayed.
Luckily, she isn't my only friend, and instead of seeing her behind me, I saw three other students who I have recently started to hang out with. Led by one girl, who I talk to on a daily basis now, they approached me with usual greetings and questions about the exam. Another girl joined us and explained some of her answers, but she had to leave promptly.
After some time, my friend and her newly adopted group arrived because some of the people in that group had lockers near mine. Once again, she payed me no mind until she overheard a question on the exam that the people I was with were speaking about. She turned around and said "Oh yeah! How do you do that one?" We explained it to her and she laughingly admitted she got it wrong. And that was pretty much that. That was the extent of our speaking to each other.
I turned to my group, and she to hers. About five minutes later, she turned to me and opened her mouth to speak, but I didn't listen because I knew what she was going to say. She was going to tell me, as she has been telling me for the past few months, that she was going to play sports with this group instead of walking the route to the bus loop with me, as we had done since the start of the year. I nodded my head, though it wasn't like I cared. It wasn't like my nod meant anything to either of us.
I turned to my group, and she to hers. About five minutes later, she turned to me and opened her mouth to speak, but I didn't listen because I knew what she was going to say. She was going to tell me, as she has been telling me for the past few months, that she was going to play sports with this group instead of walking the route to the bus loop with me, as we had done since the start of the year. I nodded my head, though it wasn't like I cared. It wasn't like my nod meant anything to either of us.
Since she isn't absolutely mentally retarded, she understood my utter dismissiveness of her as bad. So she did some sort of action that resembles what a girl does to her father when she wants money to go the mall - some sort of flirting. I smiled as consolation to her, but it wasn't really like she cared about the hint I was giving her. The way I see it, she had no need to bat her eyelashes at me because I am not her father with money to spare or her master.
Regardless, she continued on her way with her friends without giving me a second thought. After spending some time in the school, my group and I headed out to the nearest grocery store in search of soy sauce. After we had finished with that, we walked down the street to the bus loop. This wasn't the first time that I had walked with this group and thus I felt quite at ease with them. In the past few weeks actually, I'd venture to say that I have been walked to the bus loop more by this new group than my friend. In fact, I have walked on a near daily basis with one of the girls from the group. It's nice. I like the company. I prefer walking, especially on the few non-rainy Vancouver days, however, the 20 minute stroll can become dull if I must walk it alone. Due to the growing number of commitments my friend has decided to take on, she hasn't been able to walk with me to our bus stop in recent weeks. So, I feel particularly blessed that this new girl comes up to me everyday and asks me if I would like to walk with her - it's mutually rewarding, as neither of us needs to walk alone.
Anyway, I have concluded that this friend of mine is the root cause of my depression. She is the one that is making me hurt. I feel betrayed by her. I feel as if she left me for someone else (I know, I sound like the girlfriend/friend from hell!). She now consciously disregards me in order to talk to her new friends. Look, I am not trying to say that she should only ever be friends with me, rather that there should be a certain degree of loyalty. In spite, I return the favour and disregard her.
However, this isn't a cat-fight. This isn't a messy and vile case of friends becoming foes - it's a drifting apart. Slow and steady, but sure. This is the type of scenario where, after the friendship, there are no hard feelings, no back-stabbing, no gossip - just neutrality. ("The opposite of love's indifference", anybody?)
I can't say for certain what caused us to slip out of each other's affection. Perhaps it was ourselves, perhaps it was others. I feel that she has changed since she started associating with the new crowd, but I'm sure she feels the same way about me. I could blame the change on hormones, which have caused her to fall into a deep state of non-mutual adoration with one of the boys in the group and thus feel the urge to follow him wherever he goes, and which have caused me to become over sensitive and angry. I could blame it on her for not standing for anything. I could blame it on myself for being over-protective and over-expectant. I could blame it on the fact that two ever-different people were ever brought together by fate, or on myself for ever believing that I could have a relationship with someone so different. But whatever I blame it on won't change the fact.
The best relationship I have, and have ever been in, on a friendly level is one with a girl called Liz. I attribute a lot of the successfulness of the relationship to the fact that Liz and I aren't joined at the hip. We see each other often, but not daily, so we cannot get bored of each other, we cannot take each other for granted. We can look forward to seeing each other. Perhaps that is the problem. Maybe seeing my friend every day made her sick of me and me of her. Maybe people all need change and variation. After all, that's why the divorce rate is so high, right? You cannot bear to see the same person every moment of everyday. We need variation as humans, don't we? Maybe not. I presume my theory is disproved by all those long-term, happily married couples like my parents. Or maybe, maybe my theory is right. Maybe relationships just require loads of work. Time and effort, which I, and all those divorcés aren't willing to put in.
I guess that if I already am not willing to expend countless units of effort onto saving my relationship with this girl, I am going to have to practice what I had preached to her before. I am going to have to move on, and let go.
Letting go is tough. It's something I'm only just learning. I've realized that I spend too much time fretting over banal things. I am young and malleable and am fortunate enough to have a chance to fix things about myself. I have realized that sometimes I cannot face a problem head on, but that I have to give it time. Sadly, in some cases, coping through disregard is the best method for saving your own sanity. Have you ever heard the phrase "Ignorance is bliss"? How about "Tolerance is bliss"? I am starting to see how these phrases can seriously help fiery people like myself. I am starting to see that sometimes they are the most empowering options. It's ironic of me to say that considering that my blog is all about critiques and letting things bug me, so that I can write about them. My passionate soul would have nothing to write about if it just tolerated everything, so I guess that may not be a viable option after all.
Regardless, I have reviewed the situation, I have determined how important changing it is to me. I have decided on how much energy I am willing to invest in getting what I want and I think that I have reached that threshold.
No one starts a relationship to see it end, no one waters trees to watch them die, but sometimes that is the reality. Things fade away, things come and things go, I just need to come to terms with that. Maybe the two of us will reconnect later, maybe we'll miss each other after the time apart (summer break couldn't have come soon enough!), or maybe we just won't. I'll have to let this one play out as it does; it's for the best.
So to my friend, who may or may not realize that this is about her and who may or may not actually bother to read this post in it's entirety: It's not totally you, it's me.
Anyway, I have concluded that this friend of mine is the root cause of my depression. She is the one that is making me hurt. I feel betrayed by her. I feel as if she left me for someone else (I know, I sound like the girlfriend/friend from hell!). She now consciously disregards me in order to talk to her new friends. Look, I am not trying to say that she should only ever be friends with me, rather that there should be a certain degree of loyalty. In spite, I return the favour and disregard her.
However, this isn't a cat-fight. This isn't a messy and vile case of friends becoming foes - it's a drifting apart. Slow and steady, but sure. This is the type of scenario where, after the friendship, there are no hard feelings, no back-stabbing, no gossip - just neutrality. ("The opposite of love's indifference", anybody?)
I can't say for certain what caused us to slip out of each other's affection. Perhaps it was ourselves, perhaps it was others. I feel that she has changed since she started associating with the new crowd, but I'm sure she feels the same way about me. I could blame the change on hormones, which have caused her to fall into a deep state of non-mutual adoration with one of the boys in the group and thus feel the urge to follow him wherever he goes, and which have caused me to become over sensitive and angry. I could blame it on her for not standing for anything. I could blame it on myself for being over-protective and over-expectant. I could blame it on the fact that two ever-different people were ever brought together by fate, or on myself for ever believing that I could have a relationship with someone so different. But whatever I blame it on won't change the fact.
The best relationship I have, and have ever been in, on a friendly level is one with a girl called Liz. I attribute a lot of the successfulness of the relationship to the fact that Liz and I aren't joined at the hip. We see each other often, but not daily, so we cannot get bored of each other, we cannot take each other for granted. We can look forward to seeing each other. Perhaps that is the problem. Maybe seeing my friend every day made her sick of me and me of her. Maybe people all need change and variation. After all, that's why the divorce rate is so high, right? You cannot bear to see the same person every moment of everyday. We need variation as humans, don't we? Maybe not. I presume my theory is disproved by all those long-term, happily married couples like my parents. Or maybe, maybe my theory is right. Maybe relationships just require loads of work. Time and effort, which I, and all those divorcés aren't willing to put in.
I guess that if I already am not willing to expend countless units of effort onto saving my relationship with this girl, I am going to have to practice what I had preached to her before. I am going to have to move on, and let go.
Letting go is tough. It's something I'm only just learning. I've realized that I spend too much time fretting over banal things. I am young and malleable and am fortunate enough to have a chance to fix things about myself. I have realized that sometimes I cannot face a problem head on, but that I have to give it time. Sadly, in some cases, coping through disregard is the best method for saving your own sanity. Have you ever heard the phrase "Ignorance is bliss"? How about "Tolerance is bliss"? I am starting to see how these phrases can seriously help fiery people like myself. I am starting to see that sometimes they are the most empowering options. It's ironic of me to say that considering that my blog is all about critiques and letting things bug me, so that I can write about them. My passionate soul would have nothing to write about if it just tolerated everything, so I guess that may not be a viable option after all.
Regardless, I have reviewed the situation, I have determined how important changing it is to me. I have decided on how much energy I am willing to invest in getting what I want and I think that I have reached that threshold.
No one starts a relationship to see it end, no one waters trees to watch them die, but sometimes that is the reality. Things fade away, things come and things go, I just need to come to terms with that. Maybe the two of us will reconnect later, maybe we'll miss each other after the time apart (summer break couldn't have come soon enough!), or maybe we just won't. I'll have to let this one play out as it does; it's for the best.
So to my friend, who may or may not realize that this is about her and who may or may not actually bother to read this post in it's entirety: It's not totally you, it's me.
